...actual distinct voices speaking in my mind? Or is it just the weblog of James Lindenschmidt? Here you can see me wrestle with this and other questions, while spewing forth my writings, opinions, and hallucinations.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

 

On Thanks Giving

I wrote something for Thanksgiving this year. With everything going on in my family, I wrote it with an ear toward my sister. I include it here.

I don't need to remind you that this Thanksgiving is very, very different from all the ones that you and and I have experienced in the past. It is different for both of us; I will be in Maine after all, and you will be in your hospital room, though we both are lucky enough to be spending it with loved ones. So because I cannot be there with you, and because writing is a habit for me nowadays, I thought I'd write a bit--some thoughts, a meditation, a prayer--on Thanks Giving. May this letter find you well, and in a place to read it.

It is appropriate to think carefully about thanks. The word "thank" comes from the Old English word thancian, which is also the root word for "think." So at one time in history, "to think" and "to thank" were close enough in meaning that the same word was sufficient to cover both ideas. This similarity lingers in modern language; the phrase "how thoughtful," for example, is used to describe someone expressing thanks. So why is there a relationship between thought and gratitude, between thinking and thanking?

To be thankful is to be thoughtful. Thankfulness requires mindfulness. That is, one cannot be thankful for something unless that thing is in one's mind. Thankfulness requires attention. Furthermore, this attention must be focused on the here and now; one can only be thankful for the real. Thankfulness does not apply to fanciful dreams, fairy tales, or what ifs, it applies to experience. It makes no sense to be thankful for future experience, since one cannot know what that future experience will be. It likewise makes no sense to be thankful for what we wish we had, rather than what we have. One can only be thankful for that which is in, or has been in, one's experience, either in the present or in the past.

When we are feeling thankful, and when we wish to formalize our thankfulness in a social setting, we speak of "giving thanks." But when we give thanks, what exactly are we giving, and to whom are we giving it? We could also say that to give thanks is to give thought. When we give thanks, we bring whatever we are thankful for into the forefront of our minds. When we give thanks, we give our attention. We choose to spend time thinking about and appreciating the object of our gratitude.

A very wise person I know taught me that "Life is full of choices." Note the words used here; it does not say that life occasionally presents us with choices" or "we sometimes get to make choices in life." Rather, life is full, and it is full of choices. Therefore, anything that does not involve choice is not a part of life. Life is full of choices. We have a choice about everything that happens in life; at the very least we can choose how to respond to anything that happens. Where we find ourselves in life from moment to moment is always a result of choices that have been made in the past; some of these choices were ours and some were not ours. In other words, where we find ourselves, in every moment, is partially under our control and partially not under our control. Each of these moments build upon previous moments, upon previous choices. Who a person is, at any particular moment, is the sum-total of all previous choices and experiences that person has experienced. Each moment in life is the outcome of all previous moments.

So when we are thankful for something before us--a beautiful sunrise, say, or a smile from a child--then we must necessarily also be thankful for everything that has happened in our lives up to that moment. For if this past had been different, our present circumstances would also be different, and we would not be experiencing the beautiful sunrise, at least not in the same way. One cannot be thankful for something in experience without also being thankful for the circumstances that led up to that experience.

But the reverse is also true, and this is perhaps the bitterest pill to swallow where thanks is concerned. If we reject an experience as unworthy of thanks, then we must also reject everything that has happened in our lives up to that moment--every sunrise, every smile from a child, every precious happy moment. For one cannot lament an experience without lamenting the circumstances that led up to that experience.

So perhaps you can see where I'm going with this. Despite the pain, the isolation, and the suffering, there is thankfulness to be found in your sickness. For it is the culmination of all your life experience up to this moment. And furthermore, your sickness in the here and now is that which will propel you into the future. The rest of your life, in all its richness of experience, with all the times ahead, happy and sad, is in the seed of this moment. Your sickness, in the here and now and onwards, is part of you and must be honored as such. From this moment onwards, your life will be in part defined not only by your sickness, but also by how you respond to your sickness.

Your task is to heal, and to become well. I urge you to use all the means at your disposal to do so. You are already under the finest care that Western medicine can muster. I understand you are also using alternative, non-Western technologies (such as Ev's healing touch) as well; this is a good thing. You have hundreds of people praying for you. But all of these things, while essential to your healing process, are the actions of others. They are not your actions. I urge you think carefully about what you will do for yourself during your healing process. While you endure the effects of the drugs and the other therapies you are undergoing, where is your mind? What choices are you making from moment to moment? How are you shaping your reality? How are you crafting your future with the choices you make in every moment?

This moment, like every other moment in our lives, is full of choices. These choices are what make our lives what they are. No matter how happy or how horrible our circumstances are, we always have a choice about how we respond to our circumstances. Our choices--our thoughts, our mental activity--shape our reality. You have proof of this in your current experience. Your stroke has changed your brain; as a result your mind has been changed, and your reality is different from what it was before. But the good news is that a blood clot is not needed to change the mind. It takes but a moment to change our minds, and when our minds change, reality changes with it.

I don't know much about leukemia, or about strokes. There is nothing I can say to you about these things. You have direct experience of them, I have webpages I've read. There is no comparison. But I do know that reality isn't something "out there," reality is something that is shaped by our interaction with it. But we must interact with the reality that confronts us, however happy or horrible. It does no good to wish reality was different, except with an eye toward changing our reality in the future. Only by fully accepting the present before us, by giving thanks for the reality that is ours, by embracing everything we are and have been, can we begin to create our future. Wellness, I suspect, lurks within this realization. Whatever your path, may you become well. I'll be pulling for you, and giving thanks for all of your progress.

^ posted at 11:48 AM

 

deltacollective

I've joined a discussion group over at LiveJournal called deltacollective. This group was started by a friend of mine in an IRC channel; the function was to discuss and brainstorm about ways to enact change in society/government. We've had some quite good chats online, and decided to put up a blog to continue our discussions in more permanent form, and to make them available to anyone who wants to see them.

Perhaps deltacollective will be interesting to you, feel free to check it out. One good thing about LiveJournal (as opposed to Blogger) is that people can comment, so interesting discussions can get going.

^ posted at 10:43 PM

 

A Long Week

I'm getting over the flu. It hit me hard; at one point I had a fever over 103. My lungs are still full of gunk and I have a headache, but I'm feeling much better than I had been. Time to refocus, I want to finish the writing project I'm working on (a piece about TCPA/Palladium, and more broadly the Intellectual Property crisis we are facing). Also, Matt and I haven't gotten together to play music for a couple of weeks, due to various injuries/illnesses of us or of family members.

Speaking of family members, I got this information from my dad about my sister's leukemia progress:

Lori is progressing but still has a long road ahead. The GREAT news is that she was able to be with Ava for about 15 minutes today. Don't know how often that will be able to happen, but the doctor said it was okay for today. Lori had another cat-scan today and there was nothing to indicate any further problems. EKG is good, too. She is getting up and walking more and is working with the therapists (physical and occupational) daily. She still gets nauseous at times and gets very tired easily, especially with the walking around. Doctors are 'predicting' that December 11th will be the date they feel she will be able to leave the hospital - just in time for her December 22nd birthday!!! She had her last injected chemo treatment yesterday in this round so hopefully some of the nausea will begin to lessen. Her daily blood counts are right where the doctors want them to be.

Lately there have been no surprises and that is a good thing.

Things are moving in good directions ...

^ posted at 10:25 PM

 

A Good Day

I spoke with my dad today. Apparently my sister had a good day. It turns out that the spot on her brain was a minor stroke, one they probably would never have known about had they not been looking at the brain. She's 2 days into her chemotherapy for the leukemia, and her prognosis is quite good.

Thinking positively (a little reality-creating here), it is possible that these doses of chemotherapy could positively affect her arthritis as well. Methatrexate (sp?) can be used to treat both leukemia and rheumatoid arthritis. So it's possible that she could emerge from this state of being feeling better than she has in a while.

The doctors say it will be a tough battle, and that she'll have her good days and her bad days, but they are very confident that this is all treatable, and that she'll be in remission in about a month. Beyond that, the cure rate is something like 80%.

Morgan and I took a long walk and busride today. We ran several errands. Then we came home, had dinner, and she wanted to watch the Phish video I checked out of the library. So we did.

^ posted at 1:44 AM

 

Reality Check

"It only takes a fraction of a second
To turn your life upside down."
--Steve Hogarth

My sister tested positive for acute leukemia today. We don't have many details just yet. She begins chemotherapy tomorrow. I'm feeling somewhere between dazed and numb, mostly thinking about my/our parents and her family (husband and 1.5yo daughter). I also know that one possible treatment is a bone marrow transplant, and as her only sibling I am most likely to be a match to donate marrow.

Though I love Maine, it sucks being so far away from them about now ...

^ posted at 1:11 AM

 

Electile Dysfunction

Like so many people, I'm almost completely disillusioned about elections. Normally there is no real choice, and most candidates come from both halves of the Single Party System in America.

But on a local level, I have some reason to hope. There were two candidates in my district for the Maine House of Representatives. One of them was a Democrat. The other one, however, was not a Republican. He was John Eder, a Green candidate. John ran an impeccable campaign, really building on the fact that, with no Republican opposition, there was a real opportunity for him to do something, since the "I would vote Green, but I don't want a Republican to win, therefore I will vote Democrat" factor wouldn't come into play.

John probably spoke to virtually everyone in our district; an achievable feat because Maine is not populous, and our district is basically our neighborhood. He came by my house several times. My response to him, usually, was "dude, you have my vote. Go expend your energy on people who need to be convinced."

Anyway, today when I went to vote, both John and the Democratic candidate were there. The Democratic candidate came up to me and said, "Hello, David Garrity," introducing himself to me. John Eder, on the other hand, shook my hand and said "Hello, James. Thanks for coming out today." In other words, the Democratic candidate used his name, the Green candidate used my name. Very telling.

Anyway, I haven't heard any results yet. But I'm grateful to John Eder for running a great campaign, and I think he has a shot at winning. It would be very cool to be represented by someone like John (and Green).

UPDATE (11:37pm): John Eder has won district 31, 1627-808. Congratulations to John Eder and everyone who helped on his campaign. This is great news! Not only am I now represented by a Green, but this also proves that a Green candidate is capable of mobilizing a population and beating a Democrat.

^ posted at 5:48 PM

 

I just returned from the public library. While I was there, I saw a young student working, apparently, on an assignment for her school (I know this because her teacher came in, and I heard them talking about it). The student was, I'm guessing based on the way she was dressed, most likely an Islamic African immigrant. I hate to admit nosing into someone's private work, but I saw the first line of what she was writing. It said:

"The one job I wouldn't want to have is a police officer."

I thought it was a vivid statement about authority in America and around the world.

^ posted at 5:23 PM

 

Word Processing, Document Processing, and Text Processing,
or, Word-->StarOffice-->OpenOffice-->LyX-->LaTeX

I suppose like thousands (millions?) of others, I started doing serious word processing on a computer using Microsoft Word. (Actually, that's not quite true; I remember running PFS:Write on my old Apple ][e when I was in high school. But that was little more than a text editor). My first year in college, before I had my own computer and before I installed Linux for the first time, MS Word was the only real choice. It is powerful, and, after all, Everyone Else Used It.

But after I installed Linux on my home machine, I discovered StarOffice. It was basically a MS Office clone, though not nearly as polished or feature-laden. This was an earlier version, mind you; I think it was version 5.0. I began using StarOffice, though, and actually got the the point where I preferred its interface to MS Word. Then, of course, OpenOffice.org was released, and it remains my word processer of choice to this day.

However, by my third year in college (2000), I had pretty much stopped using word processors. I discovered a wonderful, but quirky, program called LyX. LyX required me to get used to a different way of thinking; it is a "document processor" rather than a "word processor." They classify their system as "WYSIWYM" (What You See Is What You Mean), not WYSIWYG. Documents written in LyX are organized by structure, and the computer takes care of all typesetting for you. For the novice, this means there is less flexibility, but it also means that you focus on writing, not formatting. Besides, the documents LyX produces are very clean. You can output your file to PostScript, PDF, and HTML, among others. This makes them very easy to share with other people. But even if you don't like the formatting, it's possible to roll up your sleeves, get inside the formatting engine (called LaTeX, more on that in a moment), and customize your document layout.

But in the end, LyX is just a user-friendly frontend for LaTeX, which is a very powerful, but somewhat cryptic, typesetting langauge. It's actually very similar to HTML in many ways. I ended up using LyX for the remainder of my time in school, even using it to write my undergraduate thesis. But I knew that eventually, I'd move to LaTeX itself.

I'm happy to say that this has now happened. I've spent much of the past week learning the basics of LaTeX, and I must admit, it's much easier than I thought. It's also very powerful, especially for larger documents. Many books that have been published, especially in science and mathematics, have been typeset in LaTeX. I'm using a wonderful program, part of KDE, called Kile. Kile, written by a French high school mathematics teacher, is a LaTeX editor. It has templates for most of the LaTeX commands, almost like having a LaTeX guru at your side while you learn the correct syntax.

Though LaTeX is in some ways more complex than using word, once familiar with it I will continue to be able to focus more on writing than on formatting. After all, with LaTeX, the computer takes care of most formatting. In addition, once I have a writing in LaTeX format, it can be easily converted to a variety of other formats for sharing, such as HTML, RTF, PostScript, and PDF.

But most importantly, LaTeX is Free software, which means that my data, my writings, will never be obscured from me by hidden, proprietary formats. My data will always remain Free.

^ posted at 4:08 PM

 

Free Thought and the Logic of Persuasion

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my "Linux activism." It has occured to me that, despite the fact that I am passionate about my conclusion that using Linux is (in general) the Right Thing To Do, and that I talk about it with friends and family until I am blue in the face, I have thus far been unable to persuade a single person to try Linux.

To me, there are a few possibilities to explain this phenomenon. One is that my logic is faulty. Though I will always concede that it is possible that I am wrong, I do not seem to be wrong in this case. There are too many reasons to use Free software to manipulate our data: cost, freedom, power, stability.

Another possibility is that my method of persuasion is faulty. This one is quite likely. I'm sure I've annoyed more than one person with my Linux Rants. People in general do not want to be preached at, at least not the Freethinking sort of people who constitute the set of my friends.

But a third possibility was recently unconcealed to me. It is taken directly from Neal Stephenson's In The Beginning Was The Command Line, which is a very important and insightful piece of work:

There is no way to explain the domination of the OS [Operating System] market by Apple/Microsoft without looking first to cultural explanations, and so I can't get anywhere without first letting you know where I'm coming from vis-a-vis contemporary culture.

Contemporary culture is a two-tiered system, like the Morlocks and the Eloi in H.G. Wells's The Time Machine, except that it's been turned upside down. In The Time Machine the Eloi were an effete upper class, supported by lots of subterranean Morlocks who kept the technological wheels turning. But in our world it's the other way around. The Morlocks are in the minority, and they are running the show, because they understand how everything works. The much more numerous Eloi learn everything they know from being steeped from birth in electronic media directed and controlled by book-reading Morlocks. So many ignorant people could be dangerous if they got pointed in the wrong direction, and so we've evolved a popular culture that is (a) almost unbelievably infectious and (b) neuters every person who gets infected by it, by rendering them unwilling to make judgments and incapable of making stands.

Morlocks, who have the energy and intelligence to comprehend details, go out and master complex subjects and produce Disney-Like Sensorial Interfaces so that the Eloi can get the gist without having to straint heir minds or endure boredom.

While tremendously insightful, this passage is of course simplistic. One cannot simply polarize a society into Morlocks and Eloi; these are not ontological states but rather are roles in which one participates. As Stephenson himself later points out, culture is far too complex for one individual to study and fully comprehend all of it, and yet everyone has an interest and an aptitude in some area of culture; therefore all people are to some extent Morlock and to some extent Eloi.

But I think this passage also reveals some of what is at stake in the Free OS / Proprietary OS debate. By using a proprietary OS, that user is allowing Microsoft to think for them. This is not the case with a Free OS such as Linux, because the code -- the "thoughts" of the OS -- is accessible to anyone who wants to look. In other words, proprietary software necessarily alienates its users from the workings of the computer; everything on the computer is mediated by Microsoft (if you are running Windows). Furthermore, Microsoft has only one interest in mind: to extract as much money as possible from its users. And one of the ways Microsoft ensures it gets lots of money from its users is by controlling and mediating their customers interaction with their information. One small example: what happens if you have an old document you've written in Microsoft Word, but no longer wish to purchase a copy of MS Word to look at it? You've essentially given control of your data, your ideas, your thoughts to a company that has nothing close to your best interests in mind.

Now as it turns out, this may be a bad example, because it is possible to read (and indeed repair broken) MS Word documents without a copy of MS Word. But these tools are a direct result of the Free software movement, and have arisen despite Microsoft's efforts to obscure the inner workings of their data formats (such as .doc).

^ posted at 3:41 PM